Question:

I have tried and tried to convince my friend that she is in danger and needs to leave her boyfriend. He has emotionally and physically abused her for more than three years. She knows she is in danger, but still won't leave. I'm so afraid that she will get hurt. What can I do? Please help.

Shelly, age 16

Response:
The first step in helping your friend is realizing that she has her own internal wisdom and knowledge about the situation. It's her situation to fix. As a friend the best way to help is to provide a space for her knowledge to come to the surface. This will help her become aware of what is happening to her. The first step to creating this space is active listening. Here are some ways that you can be a good active listener: Listen attentively and give your undivided attention; validate her by letting her know that the abuse if not her fault; believe her, don't doubt what she is telling you; empathize with comments like "What you've been through sounds awful"; encourage her by pointing out her talents and strengths; empower her by giving her information and encouragement that will help her make good decisions.

The second step is not leaping to judgement about why she won't get out, but instead, offering your most honest truth about your perspective of the situation. Tell your friend how you feel with comments such as "I'm afraid for you" and "I don't understand why you don't get out." The third step is asking your friend what she is going to do. What are your solutions? What are your plans? By asking open-ended questions you're actually helping her come up with a safety plan. Lastly, you're going to promise her that you will be there whenever she needs you. Make yourself available to help her create a solution.

Ask Your Own Question:
If you have a question for our Prevention staff, email us at education@raphaelhouse.com. Please allow two weeks for a response. Please ask questions that pertain to the topics of dating violence, domestic violence and healthy relationships. We will do our best to answer all questions, but only some will be posted on the web-site. Remember, if you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 for assistance.